I haven’t blogged about the Perfect Madness book since my initial rant, partly because I haven’t felt like taking notes while reading and thus needing to locate a pen I like prior to sitting down at night, and partly because I don’t want to rant on so much I miss the point.
I too, experience what Warner describes as “the mess.” I confess to worrying in a circle– here’s some examples:
If my son goes to preschool I’m abandoning him, but if he stays home I’m denying him proper socialization.
If I leave while my toddler is crying, I’ll break his little heart, but if I sneak away when he’s not looking I’ll demolish his sense of trust.
I’ll even confess to anxiety concerning which party package is the best deal for my kids’ birthday parties.
So I don’t want to be ranting about and miss the irony that I too, experience “the mess.” I don’t want to attack another mother for speaking out about the inherent difficulties in raising a family. The difference is, I see it, “the mess,” as an incongruence between what my inner instinctive mamma knows as competent, nurturing behavior and what society values and supports.
Instead of making money in order to gain a label of “competent” and “successful” in today’s world, I want to celebrate my child’s fascination with water and sand, revel in imaginary superheroes. I want support from the community for my important job as part of a family, as part of the future. I want to be present in my family life, instead of on guard and defending it.
I do not want to attack moms who work out of the home, anymore than I would attack dads who do. Instead, I’d like to see all of society finding ways that we can support parents, and by extension, children. Viewing family life as an essential element of everything- as the building block that it is- instead of seeing it as an obstacle to be overcome by childcare and women’s wine-drinking consciousness raising groups might be a good start.
