So it’s Valentine’s Day, we’re home due to ice storms and the like. Our official plan as a couple is to celebrate on Saturday with a long romantic dinner and movie, sans kids. For today, I considered making a heart shaped pizza (to match the heart-shaped pancakes Kevin made the boys this morning) but decided against the mess and effort.
I’m having a hard time lately. Partly, I hate winter. My toes are constantly cold, I can’t just sit outside and leaving the house involves so dang much work. Getting the kids their necessary physical activity is challenging and despite the shortened sunlight, the days seem to take longer.
The other, probably larger part is this feeling that no one can hear me. If a mom screams in a house full of children, does she make a sound?
It’s not that I want immediate obedience upon my words exiting my mouth. Solutions, pointers, rationalizations, normalization and problem-solving are not on my Valentine’s gift list (nor are flowers, for that matter). I just want to feel like I’m heard.
My undergrad college communications professor would insist that men are simply programed to communication through logical, solution-focused means, while women are more capable of just listening and connecting, although there are others myself included, who believe men are just as capable of offering up authentic empathy.
So, for men and women out there, searching for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift, let me offer up some nuggets, in the form of a special Valentine’s Day anacronym:
Listen. Listen with your ears, your heart, your eyes.
Ask. Avoid “why,” as generally why questions can lead to defensiveness. “What was that like for you?” and “is there more?” are some starting points. Don’t take it personally. Resist the urge to contradict or argue with the person’s perception. Just try to understand it. Test out your perceptions. Before offering solutions or helpful thoughts, simply test out what you’ve heard. “So, it sounds like your experience has been xyz,” could be a starting point. No solutions, no problem-solving, just making sure you understand the person’s experience.
Imagine. For just a moment, try to pretend you are the person who is talking. What does it feel like?
Dare: Be willing to be vulnerable enough to accept this person’s upset, to connect with them in that moment. Dare to share your own fears and discomforts, trusting that pushing through the moments that are uncomfortable, even painful to hear, will deepen your connection. You may recover older truths from when you first met, or newer, surprising truths about each other and your connection.
