Good Job, good job!!

It’s reflexive. The child does something we like, it spouts out as easily as blood squirts from the brain of any random character in The Departed, and an inane “Good Job!” squirts out. It’s entrenched in our culture. “Catch your child doing good,” countless parenting and teaching articles advise.

I have heard kids (including mine) praised for things like social skills– sharing, refraining from hitting, saying hello, please or thank-you. They’ve been lauded for physical prowess– “Good job walking!” “Great running!” or the ever-present, slightly disappointed, “great try.” There are even accolades for basic body functions- “Good job eating!” or, (and I’m not kidding) “Great Pooping!”

Many programs formalize and standardize the praise, quantifying the child’s behavior into a manageable chart form. I’ve seen refrigerator charts that include things like, “did not bite little sister all day,” or, “slept all night.” I’ll come right out and take a stand against biting, and for sleep, but is praise or a star chart the answer?

Do we want our children to refrain from biting so that we’ll shower them with praise, or because they understand the pain that biting causes the victim? When they wake up, terrified from a night mare, do we want them to weigh the star chart before coming to us for comfort?

Anti-spanking advocates frequently point out that spanking only works as long as the parent is bigger than the child. What happens when the child is too big to be spanked? Spanking, in this case, only serves to make children sneakier– more adept at hiding misbehavior. Praise and prizes are the same picture, through a mirror. At first glance, they seem attractive, even reasonable; but under a more thorough analysis, they come up short. Spanking and praise both encourage only superficial attempts at compliance.

I want my kids to read because they have a deep curiosity that needs to be sated, not because they long to hear me lavish on the “good jobs,” or because they’ll get five bucks for good grades. I want my children to be secure in my love, no matter what the behavior. If we have that strong connection, we can work together to correct whatever behavior issues may arise. If I am maintaining control through prizes, praise or threats, the problems may stay hidden, depriving us of a chance to problem-solve.

Obesity issues aside, extrinsic rewards, even pizza, don’t improve children’s reading. Comprehension and motivation improve when kids are truly engaged in learning– when they find the topic interesting, when they make choices about the learning materials, when there is lively discussion and the freedom to follow their own curiosity.

The same thinking applies to other life skills. What would you prefer– a child who is “sweet” and “respectful” when someone is nearby to add a star to his chart, or a child who is curious about what makes a relationship work, what skills make his friendships last, or what behaviors contribute to a harmonious household?

This article on praising intelligence versus praising effort, Alfie Kohn’s article, Five Reasons to stop saying “Good Job!”, along with an interview with Kohn are some good places to start reading up on motivating and encouraging children, without depriving them of a chance to develop a strong internal locus of control.

For more levity on the subject:
Report: 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic