Children Do Well if they Can– Ross Greene

A quick online search for discipline tips for children reveals fairly standard results- be consistent, use natural and/or logical consequences alongside rewards to increase good behaviors and communicate limits in a clear and developmentally appropriate manner.

Shift to googling about “challenging” kids and most of the advice is the same as above, only with added emphasis. The message is clear- if your child is challenging, you need to be more consistent, swifter, perhaps adding more limits and more rewards.

There are several flawed assumption inherent in most of this advice. One such assumption is that if a child is explosive, having a hard time coping, that his parents aren’t working hard enough- perhaps they are inconsistent, confused or just plain lazy. Help the parents be clearer in their consequences and expectations and the child’s behavior will improve.

Another flawed assumption is that if something isn’t working, (rewards, consequences, increased limits) adding more of the same will help the situation. If rewards aren’t working, perhaps they need to be more accessible, more immediate, or more enticing. The consequences might be more effective if they were more immediate, more consistent, perhaps even harsher.

The missing piece of all these discipline systems is skill. None of them assess whether or not the children actually possess the skills they need to meet the expectations set before them. None of these reward charts actually teach problem-solving skills, emotional regulation or communication, so while they are possibly effective in the short-term, they are woefully lacking in the long term.

Ross Greene has been making these points in his books for a while now. His book, The Explosive Child opens the door to teaching chronically frustrated kids problem-solving skills, and introduces the essential underpinning of Collaborative Problem Solving, the premise that children do well if they can.

To learn more, you can listen to our Parenting for Humanity podcast either on itunes or at blogtalkradio. During last week’s podcast, we explored the ideas in Greene’s earlier books and laid the groundwork for our visit with Ross Greene about his newest book, Lost at School coming up on October 29!

If you’re in Bloomington, you can come to a workshop sponsored by St. Mark’s Nursery School on Wednesday, October 22 at 7:00 that introduces this empowering paradigm shift. If you’d rather experience it online, Lisa and Amy are conducting a free teleconference on Friday, October 24. Email Parentingforhumanity at gmail dot com to register, or find us on twitter and send us a message.