I’m sure the hormones of early pregnancy amplified my reaction- the fact that one of Kevin’s grad school buddies was tweeting about a VPILF probably didn’t warrant tears- but the tears came anyway, accompanied by dagger glares to Kevin for being male and already knowing what VPILF meant.
“What if I’m pregnant with a girl? And what if she has different political ideas than we do and she runs for office? We’re bringing a girl into a world where if people disagree with her they aren’t going to talk about issues, they are going to objectify her and take away any power she might have with the almighty ‘that’s where I want to stick my penis’ card, and laugh.” Extra distress resulted from the fact that the people perpetuating VPILF were people I would normally consider my liberal allies, and any upset from me was dismissed as me being humorless. (A huge mistake, let me tell you. I am hilarious).
Several months later I found myself teary after every day spent at the magical world of Disney. Every day we listened to the wait staff ask Carter what “the princess” wanted to drink, then act embarrassed to discover the princess is a boy- because boys can’t ever be something as horrible as a girl– then step outside to see the princesses, complete with makeup and hairspray.
“If this is a girl, we can’t go to Disney,” I lamented. “I let the boys be boys. I’ve welcomed squirt guns and swords into my pacifist home, side by side with dora, dolls and play kitchens- but I draw the line at makeup for toddlers.”
I was filled with new admiration for my friends who raise girls. Boys have their challenges, certainly. I never imagined I’d have to say things like, “no, honey, you need to keep your penis in your pants,” or “that squirt gun won’t last longer than a few hours if you use it as a hammer,” and those are just the tip of the boy-iceberg.
Here’s the thing though: squirt guns and swords are fun. They involve running, screaming and action. Traditional boy play is actually what I think of as natural child play- it’s what kids do when left to their own devices. Makeup and hairspray aren’t fun (to me at least)- they are what we do to look presentable, to attract mates, to hide the sleep circles.
Princess for a day should involve the capacity to chop off pretend enemies’ heads, ride pretend horses and play with dragons, not hold still for a long time while people paint you. Disney’s version of a dream day for little girls sounds like teaching little boys to work in middle management for the day. Here boys, suck it up, wear a tie and pretend to be in charge. Fun times. Why on earth would we think little kids should “play” that way?
Stay tuned for part two: in which I justify my crappy housekeeping as a political statement. You won’t want to miss it.
19 replies on “Raising a girl Part One: VPILF and Princesses”
I actually know a lot of little girls who’d rather run, jump, and play with dump trucks than play with princess gear. I think it just depends on the personality of the child, and whether the family promotes one thing over another. My uncle had his two daughters dressed in tiaras before their first birthday, so they never even had a chance to decide whether they wanted to be “princesses.”
I cannot wait to see this messy house justification! I’m sure I’ll be stealing it!!!
I agree quite a lot with the above commenter. A lot of the princess fascination in many families seems to be started or encouraged by the parents. Because from a young age, we’re the ones who choose whether to put on Cinderella or Scooby Doo. When I was a kid I was more interested in nickelodeon shows than princess movies, because that’s what my parents put on for me. I think that at such a young age, most of a child’s interests are formed in what’s presented to them as options.
Now, as a grown woman, I do like to wear makeup and pretty dresses, but most of that isn’t pink and sparkly 😉
I’m aware that our family will influence her princess sensibilities- certainly- but at the same time, I didn’t introduce my boys to “boy stuff” like the squirt guns etc. They found them and ran with them. I had to work to be accepting of such things, and when I think of working to be equally accepting of “girl” things, I have a harder time navigating. I like pink- there are some dresses I like, and I enjoy a good lip gloss. I can’t stand the glittery makeup they put on the little girls though. I don’t want to send the message, “what you’re interested in is bad, bad, bad,” but I don’t want her to be interested in the princesses. 🙂 It’s a really tough balance.
Fortunately right now I only have to worry about her desire to eat tiny legos off the floor.
Fabulous post, Amy. I’ve posted a link to one of my favorite parenting sites.
And FYI, your Parenting for Humanity link in the left column isn’t correct. It looks as though the dot-com part was left off the link.
Thanks Lucy- I think I fixed the link. Sad to think how long it’s been sitting there unnoticed. . . .
The same thing happened with our boys. We never put cars or dump trucks in front of them, but they developed a love for them anyway, and that’s fine. I think if a kid comes about liking something organically, then it’s okay to let them be who they are. I am the glitteriest of glitter girls (when I was a musician, I wore nothing but sequins and buckets of Mac makeup all over my face) but I am also a 4.0 pre-law student, thoughtful, and as feminist as they come. And I love the color pink! I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world, so long as she arrives at that place on her own without a society telling her that’s what she must like.
Amy-
I found myself nodding while reading TheFeministBreader’s (great name btw!) comment
“I think if a kid comes about liking something organically, then it’s okay to let them be who they are.”
When Kathrynn was born i was very resistant to using all the pink clothes that had been given to us, bc i didn’t want to start her life out ‘that way.’ Eventually i did decide that turning away free clothes solely because of their color was kinda silly. 😛
Still, she wore mainly colors other then pink.
At almost 7, guess which color is her favorite? Pink. I love that she is who she is. I love that when she asks me what my least favorite color is, and I say pink, it doesn’t have any impact on what her favorite color is.
I love that she loves dress up- she can go from pirate to princess to princess warrior to spiderman without the blink of an eye. The world is her oyster.
Lately make up is entering into her matrix. I have put my foot down at mascara, but know that eventually she’ll experiment with that too. The fun thing is that I have a child who is occasionally doing the make-up thing, but still has no self consciousness or awareness when it comes to her looks- hair all over the place and clothes still not matching.
I try to remember to keep my fears and issues out of it, and let her be who she is. 🙂
I don’t think there’s any need to fear the glitter eyeshadow, princess dress-ups, and teensy high heels. It’s self-expression: trying on different identities and different appearances, and it’s fun for some kids (boys and girls alike). Remember getting your face painted, and being transfixed with how different you looked in the mirror? It’s no different than that. Some kids love it. Not every foray into princessdom signals an abandonment of feminist ideals. Both of my kids (boy and girl) have asked for make-up and fingernail polish, and put on glittery clothes, and I’m about as far from glittery as you can get. It’s when we impose too much meaning on those choices that a child’s true self can become subsumed. Childhood is about experimentation, and if it’s not hurting anyone else, and they’re having fun, I think we should say “yes” as often as possible.
Being a woman who has worn heals and makeup three to five times in the past eight years (weddings) and wears plain clothes and someone who doesn’t have cable so our daughter isn’t seeing commercials, I am amazed about how much she asked about makeup, she sees it at the store and has asked my about blush and mascara, and how much she loves dresses – all types. Reading the above entries there is a good point about face paint too! We always have had many Disney/ Princess type outfits and movies. Our daughter latched on to the plastic high heals, many times wearing them outside while digging for worms in the dirt, playing in the sand, or playing basketball. She could care less about food on her face, dirty messy hair or matching outfits, but she loves a princess dress. At a friends house with all boys last week, I went to check, and every child was holding up a sword and had one leg up on a bench ready to fight………….I was thinking………. should we have some swords at our house???? We sure have a lot of princess stuff, we do have knight outfits, shields, helmets, but no swords. If our one year old boy was the oldest, would our house have play weapons? There is a difference picking up a stick that becomes a sword or gun, then providing a play one. How much would my daughter be into princess and ballet items if I didn’t smile and encourage her to dance through the house with them? Does she like them too much? Why not let them dream and dance.
I really want to hear what you have to say about house work, and I am thinking about the many days my daughter and I have pretended to be Snow White or Cinderella and clean up the house, which we do sining and being silly, or playing one of us is the step mother and tells the other what to clean……
That is her favorite, so the fill the dump truck or grocery cart to put away toys just hasn’t been what we latched on to. Hope she doesn’t grow up thinking she doesn’t have to clean to get the prince! But she should know that my the state of our house!
I love when my daughter plays with and nurses baby dolls, and I hand them often to our son to hold, because in the end they won’t be princess or princes, but moms and dads.
Wow. I hadn’t really thought of face paint- Carter loved face paint. Frequently he put it on himself though, and looked like a color palette blew up and he was too close. Both boys have also had their fingernails painted. Neither have asked about my makeup though. Both boys have worn heels, possibly more often than I have and with about the same success.
I want my kids to pretend to parent- (that’s such an important point, Tiffani) to explore the roles they see around them. We already have babydolls in the house, and Carter enjoyed using his pink stroller (he picked it out) to give the doll rides. Archie was much more into caring for his stuffed animals- still is. When I see Archie carefully making a bed for his stuffed owl, or Carter inventing a new peek-a-boo game for Ma~, I can’t wait to meet my grandkids.
I think my issue with the princess makeover days isn’t so much the sparkly eyeshadow- it’s the grown-ups projecting it onto the children.
It will no doubt be much easier for me to feel comfortable with Ma~ playing around with bright nail polish and sparkles than her putting on makeup that makes her look older than she is. I’ll go ahead and preemptively accept that I might also have issues with her growing up too soon.
I will also add that while I’m really wrestling with the messages society gives my daughter (and me) I’m also aware that on some level, I’ll look back and chuckle at Ma~’s early days and my reactions, just like I shake my head at my conviction that the boys would always wear gender-neutral clothing and not ever make a gun from legos. Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t emphasize that I know lots of princesses- some of my best friends are princesses- and I don’t think any less of parents of princesses than I do of parents of lego freaks. Part of why I’ve delayed writing about these issues is I’ve been worried about sounding judgmental and narrow in my efforts to be open-minded.
So many wonderful comments!
I was just thinking about Kathrynn’s innocence, still at age 7 (in 3 days)…..
I have to say that homeschooling her has probably had a major hand in this…
Across the board, from Harmony to Montessori to Public school, i have seen girls transform and loose their innocence once the peer orientation begins.
(i’m not sure how it is for boys)
I know homeschooling is not something that every family can do, or even wants to do, but its been huge for us.
Thanks for the wonderful blogging Amy.
I guess I never tried to dwell on the future of my girls so much, in that it made me question what they are playing with today. They have such polar-opposite personalities that in my mind, I’ve labeled one the scholar and one the athlete, which is a bigger mistake than allowing my distaste for Barbie take precedent over Evie’s love for Barbie the Princess.
I work hard to keep in mind that my goal is to raise strong, independent women, however they turn out. And if those strong, independent women like pink, glitter, high heels and make-up, that will be their choice. (Not necessarily sure that is worse than what they might be if grunge comes back …)
My job is to teach them how to make those decisions for themselves, based on their feelings and beliefs, and not based on the messages they get from TV and other sources. It’s a daunting job, one that I’m not absolutely sure I can handle, but I’m taking it one day at a time, and hoping in the end, I’ve done it right. I probably won’t get it all right … (Amy, I remember Laura Ashely and headbands!) but I am committed to trying.
And if I already have a strong, independent 3 year old, I have hopes that she carries that into adulthood … perhaps without the tantrums!
Amy – not judgmental as much as concerned…….
Often I am worried about my daughter (and son) and what their world will be and the loss of respect for each other and their bodies they will have for a life time not honored as they should be and seen more as objects (from breast not honored for their milk, but for how cute they look in a bikini, to teenage sex, to drugs like meth that are destroying brains).
I am not scared by pink, princesses, gilter, nail polish, etc.
Here is where I get judgmental…..I am scared of 11 year olds Lilly plays with, that come over trick or treating with an outfit so reveling I am uncomfortable, and I wonder what my husband is thinking, for all the cute bras and underwear – which should be hidden, but for some reason – I CAN SEE. Beauty pageants for kids where they have so much make up on and hair spray – that isn’t imagination and dress up……it has gone too far! Oh, and they sell not just two piece swim suits, but bikinis for young children!
Ack Karen- do not share my Laura Ashley history! My mom says, “Shame on Karen. You always looked darling in your headbands and Laura Ashley.”
Yes, Tiffani- the princess makeup at Disney reminded me of the pageants- it was like little Miss America’s in princess attire.
why would anyone spend that kind of money – did you see how much that cost!
I remember the Laura Ashley. We had them at our house, too. I had a Laura Ashley prom dress one year. It was cotton. I don’t think you should worry too much. You’ll see that they pick and choose and gravitate towards what they like and toss the rest away. As long as you are not pushing her and are backing her up, I think you’ll be ok. I don’t know what VPILF means, though. I think what is more dangerous than the glittery gear is the social exclusion and crazy “girl bullying”. It seems a lot more damaging than boy bullying.
I love this post. But I hope it’s okay if I present ‘the dissenting opinion’ and dig deeper into some presuppositions with which I’m not sure I agree.
I just don’t see VPILF carry all the connotations you suggest. It’s an objectification to be sure and the discursive power of a label is powerful, I agree. But why can’t a VPILF have a powerful mind? Why can’t she be ambitious and strong? Or intuitive and emotional? Or have a business in finance, or solar energy, or construction? Nothing of course. At least, not to me. The notion that the VPILF comment carries the “and I wouldn’t vote for or listen to or respect such a VPILF” seems more an assumption you (at that particular time) were projecting on this whathisface.
And, as the whathisace, I, with great respect, politely resent that. 🙂 As a proud third wave feminist, I believe a person (and not just the female – as feminist writers all too frequently (and frustratingly) write) is a complex personality with a plurality of facets that cannot be reduced to a single label. So whether a candidate is a VPILF or VPINLF has no bearing on whether she gets my vote. 🙂 I can see how that might be inferred, but it is not implied. For that matter, it’s unfortunate Sarah Palin wasn’t a better candidate and I hope I see a female president in my lifetime…. See More
The princess thing strikes a different chord. I have a niece and nephew and I view much of my feminist reading through the lens of helping raise Lily. The aunts love to get her princess toys and gear. I’m the uncle that buys her soccer balls and throws her equally hard around the room when we play games like Kung Fu Panda or Star Wars (I am always the villain who gets defeated).
But if someone were to mistake Jack for a girl – that’d be okay. That’s a mistake. But Princess? You’re right. “Princess” carries the connotations that would be just so much weirder for someone to mistake Jack as. And I can feel (internally) my emotional reaction for the mistake-as-princess is different than the mistake-as-girl. I think it is because of the marginalizing connotations embedded in our cultural consciousness of damsels in a dress in distress. You’re version of a princess is far cooler, and if someone mistook him for *that* princess, I can feel my internal reaction changing entirely.
From my perspective at least, it seems to me that it’s not the boy-as-girl mistake that causes distress at all — it’s the boy-as-‘weaker sex’ that distresses me. [And that is of course my projection on ‘princess’ as mediated by your post.] The only difference in those two is that one has ‘weaker’ in it. We must seek out and destroy those ‘weaker sex’ connotations, I agree wholeheartedly (and I wonder if it relates to the make-up video you link to). To do that, we will probably have to tear down some ‘stronger sex’ connotations as well.
But we will also have to raise children (even those not our own) with a skeptic eye for underlying assumptions. And we must challenge those underlying assumptions, even when they’re their – or our – own.