I heard a Fresh Air interview about writing- the author being interviewed asserted that the only way to good writing was to tell the truth. In a way, I looked at blogging as a gift to myself- a chance to say whatever was on my mind without writing for anything other than my own pleasure. A chance to say the truth without fear of offending anyone I see daily, or even quarterly.
That’s how my last infamous post (original post now deleted) started. An effort to be truthful.
Only instead of encouraging me to search for truth through writing, I used it as an excuse to disconnect from the consequences of my words. It wasn’t about truth, it was about defending my life, my choices. Here is part of it:
Here’s the reality. Without family help, we would have likely sold the house and moved into family housing at IU, or perhaps my mother’s basement. I might have taken some kind of emergency night job, or started waiting tables again. Kevin could have spent more hours away from home, causing more chaos in our family dynamic. Without family generosity, we wouldn’t be able to go to the IU Basketball games. We would have put more effort into attending the women’s games.
Here’s what wouldn’t have happened:I wouldn’t have allowed Kevin to stop the informatics program. Parts of him hidden from view for over a decade are sparkling now. That’s worth any price to me. Archie and Carter would not be in full time care. Neither of them are ready for that. We’ve done considerable research on the matter and carefully thought out our family plan. It’s not based on some strange organic food connection or too many parenting books. It’s based on our individual family needs and values.
I’ve lost a lot of sleep over the whole thing. My dad felt like I was saying everything he does– his lifestyle choices, his advice– is wrong. I felt as though I was speaking a foreign language when I tried to defend my point of view– I kept talking, defending, reinterpreting, but I felt certain we weren’t understanding each other. When two defensive people try to talk, does anyone actually make a sound? I wound up at first, editing out the snarkier sentences, and in the end, took it, and another post, off the site.
Recently, I started reading Yearnings
One particular idea that has bounced around in my head is about truth. That sometimes, when two people disagree, there can be a deeper truth. The author emphasizes that he does not intend for people to be comfortable saying, “well, this is my truth, that is your truth, and we are both right,” but rather, digging down into those truths there is a deeper truth that connects them both. He discusses the difference between fact and truth, as transcending perceived experience: the basic truths of life. (scroll down to the 8th definition).
I’ve been mucking around, trying to find the deeper Truth of our situation- how we relate to society, to family, to community. There are plenty of small truths, or facts- Kevin’s job sucked, social work jobs usually don’t pay enough to justify full time day care, I want to be with my children, we are broke, grad students make less than web developers, I love going to IU Basketball games, lots of my “fun” family memories are around IU Basketball.
Add to these facts that the initial discussion was focused on Indiana Basketball tickets, an emotional topic for the family who has had great seats since Assembly Hall opened, who watched the Bob Knight Show every Sunday afternoon while sipping milk from glasses imprinted with the 1976 Champion Hoosiers, who used to share season tickets, and at best, it’s a mess.
Here is some transcending Truth: I love my dad. I grieve the potential family I lost when my parents divorced. I blame myself, as many children do- if I’d done better in undergrad, perhaps they would have only been stressed enough to threaten divorce and then received some counseling? They could both have improved communication skills, and our Christmases would be simpler.
I want my parents to approve of me, of my kids, of my spouse, of our choices, even as I make choices I know are different from ones they have made. I want to feel connected to all my family.
When I yell until I’m hoarse at the games, reasonable or not, I feel connected to my childhood, my family, my community. I get a feeling of belonging when I know the words to the fight song and have the common sense to stay quiet during the free throws.
3 replies on “Truth is as Truth does”
Oh amy. Families (sigh) – makes me wonder why I created one of my own!
I guess you both want each other’s approval, and disapproval feels disconnecting/rejection? But disapproval about choices etc is the surface stuff – unconditional love or connection is the *real* thing (now I sound like that old Coca-cola add – betraying my age here!). That would be the ideal or fundamental reality (defn 8). But that is too hard and too scary – well for me at least. Who can risk being fundamentally rejected?! So I grasp at the surface stuff (like approval of my choices, what I say and do b/c that seems to illustrate who I am) in the hope that will reassure me that I am accepted or respected for who I am… Being human ain’t easy. Achieving sainthood is a whole lot harder!
All my siblings, mum, and I have been in the one city for the past week – so I guess the above is about MY family stuff :-)!
Oh- Sue. You’re right. The underlying “truths,” are still very surface. Approval, etc. but the unconditional love that underlies it is so hard to grasp, and also scary because of its intangible nature.
I was thinking of you a lot this week. Whole family eh? wow.
and coca-cola ads rock. My grandmother used to sing them to me. One day I’ll post the picture of her on the Ohio river holding a bottle of Coke.
Thinking of me huh? You must have been getting the vibes ;-). Hope you guys are all travelling well.
Your grandmother sounds like she was one fantastic woman. I could have used a naughty and fabulous role model growing up – waaay too many repressed folks in my family LOL!