Straight-talking Diagnosis

This morning, Archie gave me a different take on Carter’s diagnosis.

Me: Hey, buddy, how are you feeling?

Archie: Fine. I had a tummy ache, but it’s just a tummy ache, and it’s gone now.

Me: Great. How’s Carter feeling today?

Archie: Mean.

Later, at the breakfast table, the trash talk continued with a heated debate:

Archie: You’re the meanest!

Carter: You’re the meanest!

Archie: No YOURS THE MEANEST

Carter: No YOU’RE THE MEANEST

Me: I think there are meaner people out there. (two boys look at me)

Carter: Hitler? He’s meaner.

Me: The Troglotroll from Captain Bluebear is definitely meaner.

Carter and Archie: (slowly) yes, he’s mean. . . .

Me: And Mrs. Trunchbull from Matilda is meaner.

Archie and Carter: Yeah! She’s mean!

Me: (feeling pretty good about my pre-coffee parenting maneuvers) I mean, Carter, you wouldn’t swing Archie around in the air by his pigtails, if he had pigtails, would you?

silence

Carter: Well, I mean, if I were Miss Trunchbull, and Archie had pigtails I might.

Doctor, we have a diagnosis.