I was in my dorm room, sobbing. Corrie Tressler came in and asked what was wrong. I showed her the letter my friend had given me, in which my other friend described me, well, rather unfavorably, using language that would definitely be pg-13.
Shoulders shaking, I was trying to come up with a suitable response- one that was witty, sarcastic and defended my honor succinctly. The result would be, hopefully, heartbreak and possibly a nervous breakdown for my friend. I wanted him to end his days moaning in misery in a state institution, all because of the guilt he felt over hurting my feelings so brutally.
My other friends had responded with supportive wisdom including, “what an asshole,” and other appreciative growling sounds and offers of nights on the town. Corrie, instead, put her arm around me and smiled sweetly. “What a wonderful opportunity,” she mused, “for you to show him just how much you love him.” The other friends certainly helped me feel better, and more self-righteous, but Corrie’s response was the one that ultimately saved my friendship.
The letter I sent took longer to write than my original defensive rant. It involved taking the time to understand why he might write those things about me and focusing on how I could preserve the friendship that meant so much to me. I had to admit that indeed, I could be thoughtless and well, a bitch.
It took us at least a year to sort through it all, but we are still in touch. From time to time, he has been a touchstone for me, providing me with glimpses of my intrinsic worth. Thanks to Corrie, we both get to look back on our relationship and that time in our lives fondly, rather than with bitterness. I get to preserve pieces of that innocence too.
Corrie assumed that I wanted what was best for all of us- that I wanted to make a connection, that I wanted to heal whatever was underneath the rage. She was right, but more importantly, she was able to see the deeper desire, masked by anger and self-preservation.
In parenting, assuming positive intent means doing the same thing Corrie did- having faith in the underlying connection of people- in the love in our lives- rather than getting caught up in fighting words.