Perfect Madness
A kind online friend mailed me her copy of the latest treatise on motherhood- Perfect Madness, by Judith Warner. I didn’t want to give my economic vote to this book based on reviews I’ve read, but I did want to read it.
I’m going to attempt to blog on it chapter by chapter, at least at first, because it’s causing me to spew at Kevin, who apparently finds it “exhausting,” to give me the appropriate angry sounds.
My opening rant was along the lines that this description of American mothers is a great argument for gender pay inequality. For heaven’s sake, if “life experience” that parenting offers is obsessing over whether or not to order the freaking milar balloon with the Hello Kitty birthday set, I’m not going to pay you to manage my events.
That is not to say that I haven’t experienced crippling anxiety. I’ve turned and booked out of toy stores, leaving a full basket behind because I couldn’t figure out which toy was the most developmentally appropriate. I just don’t blame it on attachment parenting, “pressure” to provide my children with breastmilk for the first year of life, or sleep deprivation.
When I get that torn up inside, it’s because I’m focused on the wrong things. It’s because I’m not listening to my inner mommy voice. I’m trying to find a magical cure for toddler tantrums that doesn’t exist. Most likely, that inner mommy voice told me to work out that morning, take care of myself, and I ignored it.
As I read further, Kevin safely out of the room, I began to wonder if maybe, once again, I’ve been caught in the alternate universe I see on Star Trek from time to time. School moms that need school moms to watch them to keep them from fighting? Did these folks miss the Bee Watcher Watcher from Dr. Seuss?
Staying up late to organize toys by color and size? Ummm- that’s neurosis, not mommy mystique. No sex life? Again, that’s not from nurturing your children, that’s from not nurturing yourself. Useless husbands? How about communication? Are you really going to use that community quality child care time to get laid?
I spent the weekend with a variety of families- parents who worked full time outside the home, moms who dragged their offspring across the world for mom’s education (not the right Montessori preschool), parents who took time off from work to be home with their children. Moms who had successful breastfeeding experiences, mom’s who didn’t. Parents who had endless patience, parents who went from zero to time out in 60 seconds. The dads weren’t useless, in fact, they were equally helpful.
I couldn’t figure out the difference between these families and those Warner was describing, until I landed at the end of the chapter, where she described parenting decisions that “guarantee the successful course of our children’s lives.” It fell into place for me there. The parent I want to be, the ones I enjoy, are questioning what constitutes a “successful course.” We’re wondering if the ability to complete worksheets at age three is all that essential, or if some endless schedule of extracurricular activities is actually helpful. We’re challenging society to cherish children, not mold them into little adults.
Warner had some poignant moments, when she described a caring and wise midwife, pediatricians making house calls and other supports contributing to a sense of community, but it always ends with great childcare. How about support for the structure already in place to care for our children? How about more flexible hours and workplaces, how about children actually being seen and heard and a part of our lives?
She ends the chapter pointing out that we wind up targeting the only “safe” target- other mothers. Rather, I’d like to question the entire mommy war question. I think it’s a made up war, supported by talk shows, book publishers and the news. Every headline I see about “Mothers Let their Anger Out,” winds up leading to an article about mothers with differing opinions sharing them. I’ve found, that when you strip away superficial differences, we all want the same thing- we’re just having some trouble defining it these days.