First, I’ll do the tame version- my letter to NPR regarding the above sited essay follows:
Our family usually relies on NPR for thoughtful commentary and news. We were dismayed by the August 24th, “New Age Child Rearing and the ‘S’ Word”.
I am quite familiar with the frustrations brought on by traveling cross country with an energetic 3 year old child, and with the developments in car seat safety, there is no excuse to be driving with the child out of the seat. However, the thoughtless acceptance that spanking made their trip somehow more pleasant is incongruent with the introspective essays to which we have become accustomed while traveling cross country with our children and listening to NPR.
The story neglects an essential voice in parenting: that of the child. He relies on his parents to keep him safe, to teach him how to treat other people, and to teach him about trust. How did spanking accomplish any of these goals? What did he learn from his father forcibly holding him and spanking him? Does he now have a clearer understanding of car safety issues, or is he just less willing to rock the boat?
A baby boomer once said to me, “I want my child to grow up to question authority, just not mine.” Spanking teaches that the bigger, stronger person is the authority. Was that the lesson Link Nicoll was hoping to teach by closing her eyes while her husband doled out the punishment?
There are lots of resources out there for parents who don’t want to hit. Jane Nelson, Becky Bailey and Barbara Coloroso are some authors to get you started.
But here are my other rants:
The introduction to the article on the website uses quote marks around the word redirecting- as in, “redirecting” bad behavior- implying that somehow the technique of giving a child skills to behave in a manner that society likes is a crackpot “theory,” rather than an approach with documented benefits. (Unlike “spanking,” which has documented detriments).
The writer covered her eyes while her husband spanked their child. Covered her eyes. I cover my eyes when there’s a scene in a movie that is too violent for my tastes, particularly if it involves a dog. I have a hard time imagining a situation involving my offspring that would be so upsetting that I would be compelled to cover my eyes, yet not motivated enough to be directly involved.
Rant three: She says the ride was surprisingly pleasant after the spanking. I have an idea. Duct tape the kid’s mouth shut. That’d make the ride more quiet- or- or- she could have left him by the side of the road. There are so many ways to make the ride more pleasant and convenient for the parent. For me though, scaring my child into silence is no more an option than those I just outlined.
Rant four: THOUGHTLESS thoughtless. They seemingly started off their trip as parents who carefully consider their parenting responsibilities, only to veer way off the planned route into spankville. Then, (my take is) in order to feel better about violating their own sense of connection with their child, they have to write an essay using a lot of “quotes.”
Rant Five:One of the biggest dangers of spanking is that it’s difficult to reign it in if done in anger, and clearly, since they had not discussed it, and it was threatened by a daddy at the end of his rope, this was spanking while angry. How frightened was their child? He’d spent his childhood with nonviolent (supposedly) parents who suddenly changed the rules on him. Perhaps their child didn’t respond to the father’s threat because he trusted that his dad wouldn’t hit him. Whew. Glad they cleared that one up.
I understand that as parents we are all at different places, struggling with different challenges. I work with parents who spank and I believe I’m capable of doing that work in a nonjudmental fashion. I will not, however, support them in a rationalization of poor behavior.