When Carter was born, I mistakenly subscribed to Parenting Magazine. I figured it was better than Parents Magazine as it had Dr. Sears in it, so perhaps it would embrace some of my parenting values as well.
This month’s issue looked promising- help with sleep, mom’s mood and the trouble with praise. Perhaps it would delve into the effects of praise and artificial reward systems on developing an internal locus of control, or analyze the relationship between childhood depression and constant false praise (Described in The Optimistic Child, by Martin Seligman). Or crap, maybe it could use really small words and say “tell me more about your artwork” is better than a distracted “good job, honey.”
I was just setting myself up for disappointment. The first article I read was about a mom getting home from work and putting her baby to bed 20 minutes later. Baby was waking in the night (once a night) and took an hour to get to sleep, so Mom called a clinical social worker who sells herself as a “sleep trainer.” The trainer helped the mom cope with “aching” (Mom’s word) to pick up her crying baby as she systematically removed herself from her baby’s crib. The article ends with Mom quite happy because baby no longer cries at bedtime. I’m embarassed to be a social worker. Maybe the sleep trainer got grandfathered into a social work license. I can only hope.
Next article: “C-Sections by Choice.” Do I have to elaborate, or can we all just shake our heads in sorrow and puzzlement?
Ah- but there’s still the “When Praise can Backfire,” or, “Too Much Self-Esteem” to be read. Alfie Kohn would be pleased, right? Of course not. This article isn’t about the problems with refrigerator charts and token economies. It isn’t about vague declarations of affection for our children’s artwork. It’s yet another treatise on how spoiled today’s children are. It warns of “too much self-esteem,” shortly after the sleep article talked about increased self-esteem from sleep-training. It shares alarmist stories and takes Big Bird out of context. What’s not to love?
Here’s what’s not to love: quick fixes for big problems. Band aids for gaping wounds. Dr. Phil for a heroin addiction. Surgery for convenience- parents who spend 20 minutes with their child before putting him to bed- and who want to make sure that happens quickly- warnings about “little despots” and “tyrants” created by “ego-boosting messages- all of it crap. Birth is hard work, parenting is hard work, nurturing a spirit of joy, confidence and empathy- hard work again. No list of bullet points is going to prevent childhood depression; learning more about your child could.
Oh. And you can’t toilet train in a day.